Distant Partner? 5 Steps to Reconnect & Get Back on Track

Often, when a woman feels a distance manifesting between her and her partner, instinct can easily take over leading to the beginning of a “pursuit.” Often times this means one partner begins literally following and remaining close to the other. Suddenly every moment must be spent together, every thing must be discussed at length and every argument – even the most minor and typically insignificant – is amplified. Dear friend, this is called a reactive response. What’s more is that this kind of response can wind up causing further damage, and creating further distance. That’s why I want to talk with you about shifting from reactivity to proactivity and seeing distance differently. Because, believe it or not, a relationship funk, or rut, can be an incredible opportunity for growth. Keep reading to learn how to clear the fog between you and your partner, reconnect and get back on track together.

1. Commit to Fostering the Solution Instead of Making a Diagnosis

When one partner feels as though the other seems distant or uninterested, the first question that pops into her mind tends to be, “Why?” This question is closely followed by, “What did I do?” I am challenging you to let those questions go. There are many reasons why someone may seem quieter, more distant or less engaged. He could be stressed, under a lot of pressure at the office, he may be feeling sad about something completely unrelated to your relationship or just having an “off” week. It happens to all of us, but it’s a whole lot easier to recognize when it’s happening to someone else.

What I’m asking you to do is to commit to creating a solution to the problem instead of pursuing a diagnosis. While it’s absolutely important to understand the why behind someone’s actions or words, it’s not going to help you or your relationship to overanalyze every moment, invite criticism to the party, or hunt down one specific answer. Instead, channel your loving energy into giving your partner the support and attention he needs to get back to his usual, amazing self.

2. Be the Change You Want to See

You may be surprised to know just how much you and your partner feed off of one another. Your individual view of the world, approach to relationships, speaking style and mood greatly impacts those of your partner. Sometimes it can impact your partner in the way that you wind up sharing many of these habits and behaviours. When it comes to reconnecting with your partner and truly getting your day-to-day back on track, it’s important that you be the change that you want to see.

Take time to appreciate the micro moments that happen in your relationship. While a spontaneous weekend getaway may be fun and exciting, it’s the more “mundane” moments of everyday life that build and shape your partnership. Turn towards him when he speaks, practice active listening and show your authentic appreciation for his opinions, actions and love. Actively nurturing your relationship will inspire him to do the same. And, when he makes a bid for connection – such as sending you a mid-day text or giving you a kiss goodbye – take pause and allow yourself to be fully present.

3. Be Present, But Respect his Needs for Space

Like I mentioned, your immediate reaction may be to eliminate any and all space between the two of you. Instead of taking this approach, I urge you to be present and attentive while still respecting his need for space. Your partner is a unique human being with individual interests and the need for “me” time just like anyone else. There is a difference, however, between an hour spent playing video games or reading a book and days on end of physical and/or emotional separation.

Consider letting him know that you’ve noticed how busy you have both been lately and would love to spend more time together. Be honest and upfront, but avoid coming across as accusatory. Make a commitment to spend tomorrow evening together, even if it’s just cooking dinner and watching a movie at home. When tomorrow comes, ensure that you remain in the moment and present by removing distractions. If you have children, consider setting up a play date so you have the house to yourself. Leave your mobile phone on silent or, even better, place it in another room. When you’re on the couch watching the movie, leave your laptop put away and stay focused on enjoying the here and now.

4. Embrace Mindfulness

I cannot emphasize enough the importance or power of mindfulness. An incredibly effective practice in your individual life, the positive impact of mindfulness is limitless when it comes to relationships. I’ve written on the topic several times recently and strongly encourage you to explore those posts here. You will be amazed at the transformation that practicing a higher level of self-awareness, empathy and deep understanding can lead to.

A key aspect of bringing mindfulness to your relationship is committing to continuously growing not only your partnership but also your understanding of one another as individuals. The journey of getting to know each other doesn’t end when you move in with each other, say “I do” or even welcome your first child. Quite the opposite, this journey is a lifelong one. As you both evolve and grow as individuals, there will always be something new to discover. I encourage you to see this fact as a never-ending adventure packed full of excitement, opportunity and fulfillment.

5. Be Willing to Step Outside your Comfort Zone

Last but most definitely not least, I ask that you be willing to step outside your comfort zone. It can be all too easy to allow regular routine to take hold, and it’s so important to remember that what got you here isn’t necessarily going to move you forward. Engage as a partner and spend time exploring not only your shared passions or hobbies, but also those that your partner holds dear. Is he into car racing, but you can’t imagine waking up at 4AM to catch the European coverage? You guessed it; you may want to consider setting an alarm and spending that time together. Showing your support for your partner’s individual passions, and that his happiness leads to your happiness, can be a truly bonding experience. No you don't have to buy the T-shirt and become an insta-fan but being open to the reasons why he is passionate about different things/activities is great for bonding.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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5 Simple Steps to Keeping Calm & Rocking the First Date

This time of year can come with a lot of pressure – pressure to get fit, chase a dream, find love and do it all well. No stress, right? For someone jumping back into the dating game and getting ready for a first date, it can all be a little much. But, it doesn’t have to be. This post is all about keeping calm, rocking the first date and (if there’s a spark) locking down a second. 1. Know That This Date Won’t Make or Break You

In the days leading up to your first date, encourage yourself to remember that this is just a first date and the date itself, just as its outcome, isn’t going to make or break your love life. You can even say to yourself that "it's just two people getting to know each other, no pressure." It might be awesome and it might not, so why stress over what you really can’t control at this point? Get pumped, get excited but make sure you get real – it’s just one date and your world will keep on turning.

2. Know What You Want, but Maintain a Sense of Mystery

As you head into the date, know what it is that you want.  Are you seeking a great night out, riveting conversation, a short-term fling or something long-term? Knowing what you want is key to setting yourself up for success, but so is maintaining a certain sense of mystery. Heading into date night with the aim of getting married or "interviewing potential husband/wife suitors" is a surefire way to pile on pressure – not only for you but also for the other person on your date. You don't have to talk about exactly what you are looking for on the first date. That's for future dates! Stay cool, practice a little air of mystery and intrigue, and see where the night takes you.

3. Try to See the Experience itself as The Reward

Sometimes it can be easy to get wrapped up in seeing things as a great series of steps. Meet a cute guy? Check. Set up a first date? Check. Have a great time? Check. You can see how quickly one can lose sight of how each experience in and of itself is a pretty great reward. During your date, as you engage in conversation or sit in brief silence sharing a smile, allow yourself to savour the moment and appreciate that you’re having a good time. Even if you don’t feel a spark but the food is delicious and the wine is one you've never tried, try not to get too hung up on expectations and just allow yourself to have fun.

4. Celebrate yourself and all Your Efforts

When the night is over and you sit reflecting on all the things said, the feelings felt and what comes next – stop and take a moment to celebrate you and all of your efforts. You took a chance and struck up a conversation with an attractive stranger. You got dressed up, went out and allowed yourself to be vulnerable. You kept cool, had fun and shared a laugh or two. You’ve taken another step towards finding the authentic, fulfilling love that you crave and are that much closer to it. When the time comes (and it will!) where you are both deciding if a second date is something you are both interested in, I believe that less is more. Indicate during the date that you are enjoying yourself and at the end, you can genuinely say something simple like "it would be nice to see you again." You both don't need to discuss exactly what that looks like or set a calendar date, but aim to be clear of intentions. If you aren't feeling it, be clear on that as well. "It was really nice meeting you" is perfectly acceptable. Keep going my friend!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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New Year, Renewed Love: How to Make Your Relationship Feel New Again… No Matter How Long You’ve Been Together

For many people across the world, the New Year offers the unique opportunity to resolve to make a change. It offers the chance to take a step forward and become a better version of one’s self. It’s a time that offers a feeling of renewal, hope and opportunity. For those in relationships, this could mean resolving to make a change, or improvement, as a partnership. What I’d like to share with you in this post, dear friend, is how to see the New Year as an opportunity to do just that. Resolve, along with your partner, to renewing the sense of joy and “newness” that you once had in your relationship – no matter how long you’ve been together for at this point. Let's talk about how to make your relationship feel new again. There are so many incredible things that people discover and learn about one another as they embark on a life together. The countless shared experiences help both partners grow, evolve and get to know each other on a profoundly deep level. At the same time, however, relationships do tend to lose the fresh or new feeling – and the excitement that comes with those sensations – the early stages had.

And, you know what? It happens all the time and it's actually unavoidable. Every couple experiences it. In this day and age, it can be difficult to slow down and search out that feeling of excitement. You both have jam-packed schedules and are always on the go. Evenings and weekends are likely to fill up fast with so many things to do that, at the end of the day, you haven’t any time to spare. But as things slow down around the holidays, and the New Year rolls around with its reminder to resolve, there’s really no better time. So, let’s explore how you can make your relationship feel new again. All it takes is your commitment and a few simple steps!

1. Plan Quality Time Together, Just Like When You First Met

When you were first getting to know each other, however long ago that might have been, surely you didn’t sit with devices in hand, half-watching TV and making minimal conversation. Car rides together were filled with conversation, questions and new discoveries. Dinners out were romantic, adventurous and brimming with possibilities of what might happen after. Make this sort of real, committed quality time a priority in the New Year. Even if it’s once a week, set aside a couple of hours during which there are zero distractions and give yourselves the opportunity to reconnect and rediscover one another. Don't shy away from using resources like lists of icebreaker questions or deeper random ones you can easily find online. You don't have to come up with everything on your own!

2. Be Open to Trying Something New

You’ll probably find that, as you begin to put yourself in a new relationship mindset, a certain sense of spontaneity emerges within you both. Be open to this unpredictability and be truly open to trying new things. It could be a new restaurant, a spontaneous trip out of the city, something adventurous in the bedroom or anything in between. Try your best to keep an open mind and go with the flow – sometimes it’s these sort of unplanned situations that allow immense growth to reveal itself.

3. Regularly Practice Gratitude and Appreciation

When you first began dating, you were likely to appreciate even the smallest of gestures made by your partner. Now, years or even decades later, you’ve probably grown accustomed to these same gestures. They’re no longer as special or notable as they used to be. Why is that? Well, friend, it’s because after time we grow more comfortable and can forget to practice appreciation as we once did. This New Year, I encourage you to resolve to practicing appreciation on a regular basis. Show your partner that you acknowledge and appreciate even the simplest of gestures such as making dinner or jumping out of the car to pump the gas. Remember that both of you give and take and that your partner is deserving of celebration just as you are. Men and women equally like to feel appreciated, and trust me, there is no way you can become overly appreciative as long as it is coming from a genuine place and a dedication to your partnership.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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4 Ways to Communicate Better in Your Relationship

Communication is the key to any healthy relationship, whether it is romantic or otherwise. The most powerful and successful Directors and Managers are those with solid communicative abilities. So, it makes a lot of sense that if strong communication can keep a Fortune 500 company running smoothly it should certainly be able to keep two people in a relationship running smoothly. Yet, it’s not always so easy. In today’s post, I want to share four ways to communicate better in your relationship that will help you get your point across without causing an argument, listen to what your partner is really trying to tell you and build a stronger relationship than ever before. I hope that as you read through these points you find ways that you might be able to work them into your own relationship and everyday life.

1. Know That Timing is Everything

When it comes to discussing anything, you need to know that timing is everything. Whether the conversation you’re hoping to have is good or bad, the right time and setting is paramount to the conversation’s success.

For example, if you want to tell your partner about how you don’t feel that you’re getting as much attention lately, you should both be at home with full bellies and should have the right amount of time set aside to discuss. Bringing up a subject that has the potential to leave one partner feeling hurt isn’t a good idea before dinner when you’ve both just gotten home from work and are probably hungry and more prone to irritability.

2. Try to Listen More Than You Speak

This one’s not always so easy to employ because, chances are, one of you is the more communicative one in the relationship and the other is more of the listener. But, taking the time to actively listen to your partner (even when you’re not having a serious discussion) will tell you so much about how they are thinking and feeling.

Truly listening and hearing your partner when they speak will help you give them what they need and, in turn, will result in them being more willing and able to give you what you need. Listening can be difficult, especially when you feel as though your opinion is the right opinion or that your partner is in the wrong, but it’s a method worth practicing.

3. Communicate the Good Stuff More Than the Bad Stuff

Do you remember the last time you had a discussion longer than five minute about something good? Or, do you only remember the last long discussion you had because it was about something that was bothering you or your partner and the talk rolled on and on? It’s important to take time to communicate the good things in your everyday life.

For example, thank your partner for making the bed or unloading the dishwasher. Take five or ten minutes to tell them how you really appreciate them and ask about what they’ve been working towards accomplishing at work. Allowing your relationship to have room for positive exchange is a healthy relationship necessity.

4. Never Go to Bed Angry

This is a piece of advice shared by nearly everyone’s grandparents at some point in life. But, it’s one of the truest pieces of advice around. It’s unhealthy to allow yourself to stew in anger, frustration and upset. Plus, going to bed angry can result in bad dreams and un-restful sleep, both of which only set you up to feel even crummier in the morning.

Try your best to work things out before hitting the hay. Use language like, “I feel” instead of “You are” or “You act”. If you’re both committed to overcoming the obstacle and communicating your way back to your healthy, happy selves then you’ll be able to achieve just that.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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New Relationship Advice You Won’t Want To Skip

Are you longing to be in a committed long-term relationship, but never seem to be able to get past the 3-month mark with any man? Do you look at couple’s that have been married for years and wonder how they managed to keep their relationship together for so long?

Have you ever noticed that when you’re in a new relationship, everything is exciting and fresh, and you get butterflies in your stomach just thinking about seeing your new sweetheart?

But then something happens and things begin to shift. Over time you start to notice that instead of feeling giddy and excited about seeing your new love, you’re energy and attention slowly becomes focused on how to get more love

You know what I’m talking about. It starts with you wondering where this new relationship is going. You start thinking over and over in your mind how you want things to progress. Before you know it, you’re spending all your time thinking about your ‘possible’ future with this person, and you’re no longer enjoying the present moments that you actually have with them.

My advice to anyone in a new relationship is to enjoy the present moment, because all relationships are made up of moments Moments of laughter and joy, and moments of intimacy and connection are what build our relationships. Over time these moments, when strung together, form the foundation of a deep and lasting love.

So often we’re in such a hurry to get to where we think we want to be in our new relationship, that we lose sight of the pleasure and possibilities that are present in the moment we are in right now. How your relationship appears right now, might not be what you envision the relationship you desire to look like, but trying to get to some imaginary destination of what you think your relationship should be can snuff out the tiniest bit of potential in even the best of relationships.

So what can we do?

When looking to cultivate a new relationship into a committed partnership, it’s always wise to focus first on improving yourself, then on improving the relationship If you’re not happy with yourself, with your life, as it is, with or without a partner, then every new relationship regardless of it’s potential will be imbued with the dissatisfaction that you’re feeling with yourself and your own life.

Often we misinterpret discontent in our lives as stemming from our needs not being met in our relationships, when in fact, nothing could be further from truth. More often than not, we enter into our relationships with the expectation that the other person will provide us with everything that we are unable or unwilling to provide for ourselves. And that’s both a heavy and very unrealistic expectation to place on anyone.

In any relationship there will always be a balancing act of both people seeking to have their needs met. In most new relationships, one person is often ready to move forward before the other and this becomes of tipping point for how well you will fair as a couple. If you can navigate the apparent obstacle of both people progressing at varying speeds toward a common goal then the relationship is likely to continue.

My advice for any relationship, not just a new relationship, is to always make the needs of the relationship itself a priority over either person’s individual needs. When I am working with couples, this is where we often begin and discover that the actual relationship is starving! So we can ask ourselves, what does the relationship need in this moment in order to survive this apparent impasse? How can we work together to strengthen the foundation of our relationship? And ultimately, am I willing to place the needs of the relationship over my own personal desires in this moment, in order to keep moving forward with this person in my life?

I’d love to hear your thoughts so be sure to leave a comment below.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Men Will Not Fight For the Chance To Talk

Today's post is all about how men will not fight for the chance to talk. Before we dive right in, I'd like you to ask yourself a question. Have you ever asked a man a question such as “What do you want to eat for dinner?” or a bigger one like “Where is this relationship going?” and found yourself not only asking the question but also kinda answering it for him?

This is one of the ways that women do not know just how deep men really are. It can also become a style of communicating, if we’re not careful.

Here’s how it might look.

A woman will ask a question. If the man doesn’t answer immediately, she will rephrase the question. If the man still doesn’t answer, the woman will then again assume that the man doesn’t understand and she’ll try to be ‘helpful’ by constructing the question as a multiple choice where she ‘suggests’ the answers.

The downward spiral of miscommunication begins here.

Then the woman complains that the man is not communicative.

Here’s what I mean.

Woman: Honey, where do you want to go for dinner?

2 seconds pass

Woman: That Italian place over at the mall?

2 seconds pass

Woman: Or we could just heat up the leftovers from last night. I’ve kind of been craving it.

Man: Silent (Thinking about first question, now filtering the suggestion of whether he likes that Italian place at the mall and now contemplating if there is enough leftovers for both of them.)

Technically this is 3 questions and he is sorting through each of them and developing an opinion.

Woman: (Gets frustrated on why he hasn’t answered, not realizing it’s 3 separate questions that she kinda answered and by the way, only about 20 seconds have passed)

Man: Sensing her frustration and the feeling of “tick tock”, he might say something like, “I don’t know, you choose”.

Can we relate? So what can you do about this?

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Couple’s Therapy at a Music Festival. Huh?

Did I ever think that I'd be asked to offer couple's therapy at a music festival? Probably not, but that doesn't mean I don't love the idea! One of my favorite things to do in life is listen to live music outdoors. There is something about the combination of being able to look up at the sky, breathe in the fresh air and enjoy the sounds that is so appealing. I first started attending music festivals back in the Lollapalooza days and was immediately hooked (remember when those festivals first started?! It was such a big deal.) We used to throw a bunch of stuff in a car, hope that we remembered key things like tents and set off on an adventure. It was always a good time from beginning to end.

About 6 months ago, I received an email from a Festival organizer in Portugal asking if I would be open to being a couple’s therapist at their upcoming outdoor Festival. A million things raced through my head:

Yes!

No, I’m not ready.

Yes, how fun!

No, there’s no way I should do this.

Yes, how could I turn this down?!

No, there’s no way I can guide couples at a festival in Portugal?!

I eventually had a call with the organizer and told her that I was very flattered she sought me out and I needed her to walk me through what the festival was all about and what was expected of me. She dove right in and it felt like she had designed the festival just for me (and 30,000 other people!) because it’s theme is about the feminine, truth, growth, expansion and clarity. It’s a mixture of workshops, music, dancing, swimming and all the best things that festivals have to offer.

I sat on the opportunity for a few more days and eventually went back to my initial gut reaction:

Yes!

Now as I prepare for my trip, I’m thinking a lot about what I am going to teach and the guidance I am going to offer the couples looking to take their relationship to the next level.

One distinction I will be sharing is around listening, and how despite our best intentions, we often hear our partner but we don’t ‘listen’ to our partner.When you ‘hear’ someone, you are looking to agree or disagree with what they are saying. This is the typical way we listen to most people throughout our day and it’s not because we don’t care, it’s just the way we are wired. When you take time to listen, it means you are focusing far less on whether you agree or disagree and much more on what the person is saying, how they are saying it and what silent context does or doesn’t exist. This takes practice, time and focus. Luckily, the festival organizers are providing me with a pseudo-office under a tree with a couch and everything. This will be a focused area where couples can listen, not hear.

The Festival is in August so I will definitely be sharing more on this adventure mixing my passions of music festivals and helping build connection, so stay tuned!

I’d love to hear your thoughts so be sure to leave a comment below. :)

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Humanize Others More. See What Happens.

I smiled at Brett Wilson.

Sun on my face.

Layin' out on a sail boat.

Breathing in that ocean air.

My lil’ jaunt to British Columbia proved to be a very fun-filled trip. I visited with friends I hadn't seen in years, enjoyed sunsets and sparkling water on patios and thought to myself that this coastal lifestyle is something I could really get used to.

On my last day, my friend Graden and I were laughing on the way to the airport at how we never seem to learn the rule about making sure to apply extra sun tan lotion when out on the water. Didn't we learn this as kids and how old are we now?

So there I was with a bright red sunburned face, making my way through the security line at the airport and I look up to see one of my most admired entrepreneurs - Mr. Brett Wilson. Some of you may recognize him from Dragon's Den. What I noticed in an instant was he was sunburned too! To my eyes, we were the reddest faces within site...so I just simply smiled at him.

Now I don't expect him to remember me at all but the reason I smiled was that I humanized him. ‘I have a red face and so do you, you're human and so am I = smile.’ Simple.

The key to humanizing others is to see the big picture instantly and how we are just a couple of humans making our way through this world, looking for a lot of the same things – respect, connection, love, etc.

You see, many moons ago, I had a role in casting for film and television and I would be chatting with well-known people all the time. Often the conversation would turn to a desire to just be treated like a normal human being. They weren’t complaining at all because when you choose acting as a career, you accept that may very well be something you deal with. It was a desire to just be themselves and connect with others on a very basic level.

Basic human connection is often overlooked when we are busy statusizing people around us.

Coaching exercise for you:

Think of people in your life you treat differently and maybe not even intentionally. Who do you get nervous around? Could be a co-worker, someone you have a bit of a crush on, a family member. Whoever it is, the next time you are around them, make an effort to remember, “I’m human, you’re human and that’s all there is to it”. See how this affects how you feel around them and become more aware of how you might categorize people in your life as being better than you.

There’s just simply no such thing as status at the end of the day. It’s something we make up in our mind and project onto others we think have accomplished more.

Humanize others more. See what happens.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this! Leave a comment below.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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