Ask the Expert: “But, We Had Potential…”

Question:Dear Christine, My boyfriend and I were together for 11 months. I truly believed we had potential.

Within the first 4 months, we had already broken up once as he said he did not think we were ‘soulmates’. Then we got back together. A month and a half ago, we broke up again (I broke up with him but it really doesn’t matter who broke up with who). He said he had wanted to break up all along. I really miss him a lot. Should I make one last try and tell him that I do miss him or is it really a lost cause?

SB

Answer: Dear SB,

In a healthy relationship, you never have to convince the other person you are right for them. It is completely natural to miss him but what you miss is the ‘idea’ of him and the ‘potential’ of the relationship, not the reality. He has expressed that he wanted to break up all along. That comment alone should be the red flag for you to move on. Find closure within yourself, rather than looking for closure from him.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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3 Basic Steps in Approaching Women

We build up this inner dialogue on how we are not good at approaching women. The truth is, it is a learned skill that requires time.

Below are your Basic 3 Steps. Follow them and you will start to conquer your fear of approaching women.

#1 Passing Eye Contact

The first thing you need to get under control is comfort when approaching women. You need to get yourself to the point where you can walk up to a woman and start talking to her without turning into an emotional wreck.

If you're freaked out on the inside, it's going to be pretty hard for you to act "normal" on the outside. It's going to be even harder to try new things and use techniques if you aren’t able to relax a little.

Start to face your fear of approaching by just simply smiling at women. Not a big teeth smile but more of a smile with your eyes and subtly with your mouth. It’s like a smile that exudes an appreciation for her beauty and nothing more. You can do this as you walk by on the street. It’s refreshing for a woman. You will eventually get yourself to a spot where you will smile AND say “Hi” …but one thing at a time.

#2 Passing Eye Contact & “Hi” combo

Next, try to keep eye contact with a woman while you are smiling and then say “Hi”.

Again, you can do this as you walk by and you are going to commit to doing this A LOT until you beat your fear of women being unapproachable. A couple extra seconds of eye contact when saying “Hi” will do.

#3 Say something

Now try the next level. Go someplace like a coffee shop, grocery store or bookstore. At a coffee shop for example, most people need to visit the cream and sugar table. This is where you can have eye contact, then say “Hi”, then take a deep breath and make a comment or ask a question.

Keep it simple, comment about the environment or how much you love your morning coffee. You can do it! Don’t worry about starting a lengthy conversation; you are just wanting to progress from “Hi” and involve a few more words.

If she is responsive, ask her if she lives in the area or if she's visiting. Ask her what her name is -- simple stuff. Men worry about coming across as creepy at this point and as long as you are just being genuine and fun, she will enjoy the interaction while you practice your skills.

With practice, these 3 steps will aid you in overcoming your fear of approaching women. Try it out and let me know how it goes!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Winning At Online Dating With A Photo

If you are single and looking, online dating needs to be part of your repertoire. In North America alone, there are more than 50 million singles registered with online dating sites, making tech-romance an integral part of today’s culture.

When working with date coaching clients, the first thing I assess on their profile is their photo. They must receive an ‘A’ Grade or we can’t move forward. Yup, it’s THAT important.

Here are my recommendations on ensuring an ‘A’ Grade on your photo: 1. Go through all of your photos that have been taken within the last year. 2. Create a folder in your documents entitled, “ME FAVORITES”. 3. Put any photo of yourself in there that you like. Make sure they are just photos of you and no one else. There are some exceptions if you can cleanly cut out a friend who is standing next to you but you don’t want a picture of you with a random body-less arm around your shoulders. 4. If you don’t currently have photos of yourself, put a call out to friends or family members who might have photos of you on their camera. 5. If you have a Facebook profile, double check it to see if there are any good photos that might have been tagged of you. 6. Get every last picture you find organized into your “ME FAVORITES” folder.

Still no photos of yourself that you like? Book a time with a friend, family member or co-worker. Maybe there is someone in your network who has always been good at taking photos. If you still can’t think of anyone, go onto Craigslist and peruse the ads for photographers looking to build portfolios. You may even get a free session. With this said though: do-not-sign-up-for-a-cheesy-portrait-session. For the fun photo session, here are the tips: 1. Get dressed up in your favorite outfits and experiment with a few different looks. Try sassy, serious, fun, and approachable. Don’t be over the top with your poses. A great smile is most attractive. 2. Your aim is to get two good pictures, one a close up of your face and one a full body shot. It may take 60 digital photos before you find one you like, but make sure the one you select is a fair representation of who you really are. 3. Avoid wearing black. Wear red or have it in the background. This will really help your photo stand out. 4. Try various settings and lighting until you think you’ve really got it. 5. A good way to get a full body shot is to have your friend stand on a stool slightly above you so that you can look up toward the camera. Don’t look down; this isn’t flattering for anyone. 6. If you need to add a 3rd photo, make it an action shot of you hiking or biking or engaging in some activity outside of posing. 7. Please don’t use a webcam. 8. Don’t crop or scribble people out of your photos 9. Ladies, try not to pose with a baby in an effort to show how great of a mother you’d be (or are). That goes for you too guys, no posing with babies. 10. One last thing: Ladies, if you pose “pouty” or sexy, don’t get mad when men contact you just for sex. Men are only responding to your photo so be accountable for that.

Overall, you want your photo to be warm and inviting and show the authentic you. Don’t try to look like someone you’re not or don’t only post photos of you looking your absolute best.

And remember, our ultimate goal is to transfer you from online to offline dating.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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The Shocking Truth About Men & Saying I Love You

Why are some men so guarded from saying "I love you?" You may be the type of person who is free with your “I love you's”. You say it to a friend after meeting them for a coffee or to your cousin every time you hang up the phone with her. Alternatively, you may be the type of person who is very selective with your “I love you’s” - you reserve them for just the right time in a romantic setting or only for your mother on Mother’s Day and even then it is only in a card. You may find you are somewhere in between the two.

Whichever type you are, both men and women have their own personal reasons for using or avoiding these 3 words in their everyday lives.

Speaking specifically about relationships and dating though, there is often a lot of pressure for a woman to hear “I love you” from a man. It’s often not intentional pressure but a woman tends to determine exactly where she stands and where this relationship is going based solely on these three words.

It is not the same for men. They do not have the same relationship with the words “I Love You” as women do. In a recent Pax workshop, a woman posed the question “Why can’t they just say ‘I Love You’?” A man replied, “Because it means more than that.” When a man is in love, it is very intense for him. Encapsulating these feelings into 3 simple, basic words doesn’t really make sense to him. It can almost be insulting to him because the depth of his feelings are much deeper than three words.

Sometimes the conversation can go like this:

Woman: “How do you feel about me?”

Man: pause, thinking, pause, maybe the first time he has considered it, pause, thinking

Woman: (in her head thinking about all the good or bad things that could come out of his mouth at this very moment and it seems like an eternity)

Man: “I care about you.”

Woman: "What the heck?! You CARE about me? What does that mean?!! I think we should end this right now because you obviously don’t feel the same way."

Man: Speechless and mystified.

You see “I care about you” to a man has the same weight as “I love you” does for a woman. The problem is when a woman is breaking up with a man, she will often say “I care about you BUT……” and usually it's followed with some bs line. This is why when sometimes when a woman hears “I care about you” from a man, she’ll immediately question if it’s bs.

When men were asked in the workshop what “I care about you” means when they say it, the men had these responses:

“It means you are the centre of my world.” “It means everything I do, I do for you.” “It means I would do anything for you, including die for you.”

I would say that sounds a lot like the feelings behind the words “I love you”, wouldn’t you?

Let me know, leave your comments below.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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