Humanize Others More. See What Happens.

I smiled at Brett Wilson.

Sun on my face.

Layin' out on a sail boat.

Breathing in that ocean air.

My lil’ jaunt to British Columbia proved to be a very fun-filled trip. I visited with friends I hadn't seen in years, enjoyed sunsets and sparkling water on patios and thought to myself that this coastal lifestyle is something I could really get used to.

On my last day, my friend Graden and I were laughing on the way to the airport at how we never seem to learn the rule about making sure to apply extra sun tan lotion when out on the water. Didn't we learn this as kids and how old are we now?

So there I was with a bright red sunburned face, making my way through the security line at the airport and I look up to see one of my most admired entrepreneurs - Mr. Brett Wilson. Some of you may recognize him from Dragon's Den. What I noticed in an instant was he was sunburned too! To my eyes, we were the reddest faces within site...so I just simply smiled at him.

Now I don't expect him to remember me at all but the reason I smiled was that I humanized him. ‘I have a red face and so do you, you're human and so am I = smile.’ Simple.

The key to humanizing others is to see the big picture instantly and how we are just a couple of humans making our way through this world, looking for a lot of the same things – respect, connection, love, etc.

You see, many moons ago, I had a role in casting for film and television and I would be chatting with well-known people all the time. Often the conversation would turn to a desire to just be treated like a normal human being. They weren’t complaining at all because when you choose acting as a career, you accept that may very well be something you deal with. It was a desire to just be themselves and connect with others on a very basic level.

Basic human connection is often overlooked when we are busy statusizing people around us.

Coaching exercise for you:

Think of people in your life you treat differently and maybe not even intentionally. Who do you get nervous around? Could be a co-worker, someone you have a bit of a crush on, a family member. Whoever it is, the next time you are around them, make an effort to remember, “I’m human, you’re human and that’s all there is to it”. See how this affects how you feel around them and become more aware of how you might categorize people in your life as being better than you.

There’s just simply no such thing as status at the end of the day. It’s something we make up in our mind and project onto others we think have accomplished more.

Humanize others more. See what happens.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this! Leave a comment below.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Relationship Advice for Couples Who Never Fight

Yes, it’s true, there are couples who never fight and claim they do not have any relationship problems. You may have heard of these elusive couples and picture them happily agreeing about everything and in a constant state of joy. You may still remember a conversation you had long ago with a stranger, saying, “my husband and I never fight”.

How can a couple claim to “never fight?” Well it’s not as clear cut as that. Why? Two reasons are at play here:

One, people have different views on what is defined as “fighting”.

Two, if there are zero disagreements happening, then someone in the relationship is going without what they actually need. It’s an avoidance technique, really. It’s just easier to go without a particular need then to risk a fight asking for it.

Let’s look at reason One first. I was watching a cheesy reality show the other evening and the couple was posing for a photo. The photographer remarked that it would be easier if they’d stop arguing. The wife looked at her and said, “we’re not arguing, we never argue, we’re discussing”. The husband nodded in agreement. To myself and the photographer, they were definitely fighting or at the very least in a heated disagreement. I also know of another couple whom, the way they speak to each other on a daily basis is like one-long-argument. There’s no need to fight because the level of passive aggressiveness that is exchanged on a daily basis doesn’t leave room for it. These are two examples of couples who would say, “they never fight”.

Now let’s look at reason Two. There are couples who don’t fight but that is clearly not okay with one of them. Both men and women can relate to using the “Yes, Dear” approach to potential disagreements because it’s just easier. The problem is that deep down, every time they do this they are telling themselves that they are not worth speaking up for. This is no way to live, and yet it has become their go-to peace-keeping tool. No one wins in this situation and in fact, if you are too much of a yes-woman or a yes-man, it ultimately creates an even deeper issue in the relationship.

There are many couples therapists who would almost congratulate you on having a fight or fights. They agree it’s a good thing and is important to growth in a relationship. Many couples report actually feeling closer to their partner after a big fight because the process of repairing things highlighted needs that were previously overlooked.

In no way am I saying go out and pick a fight with your partner but I do believe healthy disagreements are a good thing. You each need to be reminded now and again where your own boundaries are, as well as your partner’s. You are individuals after all who likely became fully grown adults before you laid eyes on each other so it’s important to keep that person alive within the relationship.

There are no bonus points in the relationship world for being the couple who never fights. There is such a thing as healthy disagreements and a respectful resolution. If you stick to this form of negotiating rough waters in your relationship, you will always grow and feel respected.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Making the Laws of Attraction Work for You

Depending on your experience and how you were introduced to the Laws of Attraction, you will either perk up and want to listen in or you roll your eyes when you hear the term. Many people were influenced by the film The Secret and took the Laws of Attraction to mean if you want a million dollars, you need to just envision it and it will appear. Even though this is far from the message of the Secret, it was still often interpreted this way. So when you are single, how can you incorporate the laws of attraction to attract men or attract women? You may briefly think I am going to teach some manipulative tactics but it is quite the opposite. I encourage you to work with the laws of attraction to attract your future relationship

How do you do this?

Well you need to create that feeling within yourself that you have when you are with your future partner. If you don’t know what that feeling is or it’s kind of blurry, now is the time to get super crystal clear. What you are doing is getting more familiar with what it is like to be around that person so when you meet him/her, you recognize this feeling.

I take all my coaching clients through extensive exercises around this as it is difficult to move forward with a dating plan if we aren’t crystal clear on who we are looking for. I shy away from encouraging my clients to write down exactly what he/she looks like. I want them to assume they will be attracted to their future partner and they will feel good about themselves around them. These two specific areas of focus are directly connected to feelings and not to lists on paper.

What attracts women and what attracts men are often the same thing. We are both looking for that feeling to arise where we feel good about ourselves when we are around the other. We feel attractive, we feel encouraged and we feel loved. The thing is, we don’t have to wait until we meet someone to have those feelings arise, we can practice feeling them and then just simply “recognize” them when our match appears in our life.

So for the next few weeks, I want you to play around with developing feelings within yourself that you may believe only exist within a relationship. Picture yourself with your future healthy relationship and really get in touch with what that feels like. Journal about it if you like. Meditate if that is better. Cultivate that feeling as you walk down the street of drive your car to work. Let thoughts take shape in your mind until you no longer feel you need to look at a list - all you have to do is sit quietly and focus on the attraction, encouragement and love you feel around your future partner. Then, return to that feeling as often as you like. Not only are you practicing the Laws of Attraction, you are also practicing being kinder to yourself and accessing a deeper connection with your desires.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How to Talk About Your Relationship Problems

You and your guy have a pretty good relationship. It’s not over-the-moon, call the movie director but you are, for the most part happy. Something that nags at you though, is the two of you have a terrible time working through your relationship problems when they arise. You’ve lost site as to what even constitutes a ‘healthy relationship’. You’re not sure if it’s time to start looking at couples therapy or marriage counselling or if you need to start on your own, building communication skills together.

Many couples have rarely had a discussion when something is bothering them in their relationship. They often say to me that more often than not, if there is a problem it becomes an argument, not a discussion.  If you are someone who wants to avoid arguments, well you are not going to bring up what is bothering you, right? Generally at least one of you in the relationship can relate to this statement.

Problems can also become buried in the form of creating distance or nagging but really at the root of it is the problem.  Take some time to think about that – what is it about his “distance” or your “nagging” that could be resolved by openly talking about what the actual “problem” is.

A wise friend of mine once said to me, “a complaint is a chicken with a need”. What she meant by this is behind every complaint in a relationship or otherwise, is a need. So instead of taking it at face value that this person is complaining and there’s nothing you can do, ask them what it is they think they ‘need’. This can be a very effective place to begin.

The best relationship advice I can give you on how to talk about your relationship problems is to first mutually decide on how you are going to approach things when a problem arises. This is half the battle. My suggestion for women is to say something like:

“I’m not mad and you are not in trouble but I’d like to talk to you about something that is bothering me. When is a good time?”

You see, men often feel attacked and in trouble when women are upset so it is best to get those fears out of the way so he can actually hear you and be present.

The two of you can mutually decide on when to sit down and discuss the problem. This has to be a time where there’s no distraction. Depending on the level of the problem, this could be 15 minutes or 2 hours so you will have to be the gauge of that and clear on what amount of time you are asking for.

HOW you approach creating an opportunity to discuss the problem will often dictate the success of the outcome.  If things quickly escalate between the two of you, this might very well be the step you are missing.

During your discussion, make a commitment to really hear each other and a commitment not do dismiss each other’s feelings. That’s incredibly insulting and can stop any progress in its tracks.

And lastly, don’t try to dive too deep into any one problem and expect it will be resolved the very first time you discuss it. This would be ideal but doesn’t often happen if it’s a problem that has existed for awhile. If it’s clear you need more time to discuss and resolve then make that the outcome of your first discussion, that you will chat about it again and set a date and time – not, “hopefully soon”.

I know this relationship advice will set you off on the right foot, creating the opportunity for the two of you to begin working on becoming better communicators. And communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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