First Date Advice for Women Who Want to Impress

You look at your watch, it’s 4:00pm. In what seems to be hours later, you look at your watch again, it’s 4:05pm. Your belly is nervous, you can’t focus at work and all you can think about is “what if he’s the One?”, “what if this is the night my life changes forever?”, “will he think I look good in this top?”, and many other thoughts that circulate faster and faster in your brain as the clock ticks. What’s the reason for all this nervous flutter? Well, tonight you’re going on a first date and you have a deep desire to impress him. In your efforts to prepare, you run through all the other times in your recent history where you have wanted to impress someone and you start compiling all the instances where things seemed to go well. You think of the time you ran into an old friend from High School on the street and needed to summarize all you’ve been up to for the last 20 years in a quick 10 minute conversation. Then your mind drifts over to that job interview you had where they asked you to summarize your top qualities in one or two sentences.

These seem like good things to think about, right?

This is a mistake women often make on the first date which prevents them from experiencing success at dating. They completely let go of mystery and flirtation and opt for getting straight to the point by detailing their history of accomplishments. There’s a term for this and it’s called, “front-loading”. It happens when a woman takes her work life into her dating life and treats the date like an interview or a sales meeting. We go about it honestly, thinking this is how we get results in our business life, why not our personal life?

Men do sincerely want to know all about your accomplishments, just not ALL of them on the FIRST date.

So how can you reveal your fabulous self without front-loading? As a dating coach, I’m going to suggest you take it slow. Reveal things about yourself as they come up in conversation. When you find yourself slipping into job interview mode, switch the conversation back to him by asking a question. And when you do reveal things about yourself, there is no need on the first date to go into great detail. You can gloss over some aspects of your life and then easily re-visit them on the second date. Think of the first date as an enticement to the second date (assuming you would like a second date).

Here’s an example of how NOT to answer this question:

Him: So tell me about yourself – what’s your background and what do you like to do for fun?

You: Well, back in 1995 I graduated from Dalhousie University with a major in Commerce and a minor in Marketing. I then moved to Ottawa and took a job at a bank where I worked my way up the ranks until I was managing my department. I run every day and have participated in 6 marathons and 13 half-marathons all over the world. I speak 3 languages and am working on a 4th. I was married and am now divorced with no children.

Here’s an example of how TO answer this question:

Him: So tell me about yourself – what’s your background and what do you like to do for fun?

You: There are lots of things I enjoy in life. I love being by the water which is probably why I chose to go to university out on the east coast. I’d often go for a run on the weekends along this beautiful path by my apartment. I’m curious about languages and I’m currently working on learning Italian. I love it and it’s fun to try and identify things on my desk at work in Italian. As far as my relationship history, I was married for 7 years when I lived in Ottawa and shortly after we split I moved to Toronto. I really like this city – especially the culinary scene you find in the downtown core.

See how you still revealed your fabulousness but without the corporate vibe? If the two of you are a good match, there will be plenty of time to share and enjoy the details about your accomplishments. My first date advice is to make it a starting point and focus more on enjoying each other’s company, not each other’s resumes.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Making the Laws of Attraction Work for You

Depending on your experience and how you were introduced to the Laws of Attraction, you will either perk up and want to listen in or you roll your eyes when you hear the term. Many people were influenced by the film The Secret and took the Laws of Attraction to mean if you want a million dollars, you need to just envision it and it will appear. Even though this is far from the message of the Secret, it was still often interpreted this way. So when you are single, how can you incorporate the laws of attraction to attract men or attract women? You may briefly think I am going to teach some manipulative tactics but it is quite the opposite. I encourage you to work with the laws of attraction to attract your future relationship

How do you do this?

Well you need to create that feeling within yourself that you have when you are with your future partner. If you don’t know what that feeling is or it’s kind of blurry, now is the time to get super crystal clear. What you are doing is getting more familiar with what it is like to be around that person so when you meet him/her, you recognize this feeling.

I take all my coaching clients through extensive exercises around this as it is difficult to move forward with a dating plan if we aren’t crystal clear on who we are looking for. I shy away from encouraging my clients to write down exactly what he/she looks like. I want them to assume they will be attracted to their future partner and they will feel good about themselves around them. These two specific areas of focus are directly connected to feelings and not to lists on paper.

What attracts women and what attracts men are often the same thing. We are both looking for that feeling to arise where we feel good about ourselves when we are around the other. We feel attractive, we feel encouraged and we feel loved. The thing is, we don’t have to wait until we meet someone to have those feelings arise, we can practice feeling them and then just simply “recognize” them when our match appears in our life.

So for the next few weeks, I want you to play around with developing feelings within yourself that you may believe only exist within a relationship. Picture yourself with your future healthy relationship and really get in touch with what that feels like. Journal about it if you like. Meditate if that is better. Cultivate that feeling as you walk down the street of drive your car to work. Let thoughts take shape in your mind until you no longer feel you need to look at a list - all you have to do is sit quietly and focus on the attraction, encouragement and love you feel around your future partner. Then, return to that feeling as often as you like. Not only are you practicing the Laws of Attraction, you are also practicing being kinder to yourself and accessing a deeper connection with your desires.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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4 Steps to Building Self-Esteem

On a coaching call last night, a client of mine asked me, “I’ve become aware I have some serious self-esteem issues and I’m wondering if you can give me some tips around that”. He is someone that has had limited success with women and it’s not because women don’t find him attractive, it’s because he doesn’t believe he is attractive both physically and emotionally.

The main thing I want to point out here is we are talking about building self-esteem and building confidence and I am not talking about “how to wake up tomorrow with the highest self-esteem you’ve ever experienced”. As nice as that would be, you would no doubt wake up the following morning feeling lower than low.  Building confidence (not over-nighting confidence) requires you to lay out a personal growth plan, and as a life coach and relationship coach, here are my suggested steps on how to do so.

First:

Start looking at the big picture. In relative terms you are here on earth for a very, very short time and then….you are gone. That’s it. Do you want to look back on your life here on earth and think, “gosh, I’m so glad I wasn’t able to develop healthy self-esteem and I’m so glad I let that limit my opportunities in life.” No! You want to look back on your life and be grateful you found ways to shine a positive light on yourself and continuously develop your self-esteem on a daily basis so you could accomplish everything you came here to do. Always remember that life is a precious, precious gift and the fact that you beat out all the other sperm/egg combinations to be here is truly miraculous.

Second:

Decide on one thing a day you are going to do to build your self-esteem. Do not make a gigantic list. Just one simple thing. I caution you to put something down like ‘go to the gym everyday’ because we both know what’s going to happen on the day you don’t go, you are going to beat yourself up and hurt your self-esteem. It needs to be something very simple like looking yourself in the mirror and smiling instead of frowning at least once a day. Start simple.

Third:

Next, don’t avoid people. Learn how to talk to people. Now you may be thinking, “Um, Christine, I know how to talk to people.” My point here is that you need to talk to more people to gain practice in feeling good about yourself when around others. Often that is a trigger, we feel good about ourselves around our own home but as soon as we are at work, on the street, at an event, something happens to our self-esteem. So when I say, learn how to talk to people, I am referring to learn how to talk and interact with people and still feel good about yourself at the same time. This takes practice, just recognize the thoughts that come to mind and do your best to acknowledge them and then ignore them.

Fourth:

Don’t  judge yourself in the process. Sometimes my clients will try one day of building their self-esteem and if they don’t see drastic changes, they say it doesn’t work. Building self-esteem is a skill that you need to practice every single day. Building any skill requires practice and just like if you were a professional athlete, you would have good days and bad days but you are continuously practicing and moving forward. So please don’t be hard on yourself, celebrate your little wins, even if you managed to counter-act one negative thought, that is progress.

These 4 steps will get you well on your way to building self-esteem and building self-confidence. Be kind to yourself and have patience with the process.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How to Talk About Your Relationship Problems

You and your guy have a pretty good relationship. It’s not over-the-moon, call the movie director but you are, for the most part happy. Something that nags at you though, is the two of you have a terrible time working through your relationship problems when they arise. You’ve lost site as to what even constitutes a ‘healthy relationship’. You’re not sure if it’s time to start looking at couples therapy or marriage counselling or if you need to start on your own, building communication skills together.

Many couples have rarely had a discussion when something is bothering them in their relationship. They often say to me that more often than not, if there is a problem it becomes an argument, not a discussion.  If you are someone who wants to avoid arguments, well you are not going to bring up what is bothering you, right? Generally at least one of you in the relationship can relate to this statement.

Problems can also become buried in the form of creating distance or nagging but really at the root of it is the problem.  Take some time to think about that – what is it about his “distance” or your “nagging” that could be resolved by openly talking about what the actual “problem” is.

A wise friend of mine once said to me, “a complaint is a chicken with a need”. What she meant by this is behind every complaint in a relationship or otherwise, is a need. So instead of taking it at face value that this person is complaining and there’s nothing you can do, ask them what it is they think they ‘need’. This can be a very effective place to begin.

The best relationship advice I can give you on how to talk about your relationship problems is to first mutually decide on how you are going to approach things when a problem arises. This is half the battle. My suggestion for women is to say something like:

“I’m not mad and you are not in trouble but I’d like to talk to you about something that is bothering me. When is a good time?”

You see, men often feel attacked and in trouble when women are upset so it is best to get those fears out of the way so he can actually hear you and be present.

The two of you can mutually decide on when to sit down and discuss the problem. This has to be a time where there’s no distraction. Depending on the level of the problem, this could be 15 minutes or 2 hours so you will have to be the gauge of that and clear on what amount of time you are asking for.

HOW you approach creating an opportunity to discuss the problem will often dictate the success of the outcome.  If things quickly escalate between the two of you, this might very well be the step you are missing.

During your discussion, make a commitment to really hear each other and a commitment not do dismiss each other’s feelings. That’s incredibly insulting and can stop any progress in its tracks.

And lastly, don’t try to dive too deep into any one problem and expect it will be resolved the very first time you discuss it. This would be ideal but doesn’t often happen if it’s a problem that has existed for awhile. If it’s clear you need more time to discuss and resolve then make that the outcome of your first discussion, that you will chat about it again and set a date and time – not, “hopefully soon”.

I know this relationship advice will set you off on the right foot, creating the opportunity for the two of you to begin working on becoming better communicators. And communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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The Best Dating Advice You'll Ever Receive

I received a random call this morning from a woman in a panic. Me: “Hi, it’s Christine” Her: “Yes, I need to sign up for that singles event you are having on April 26th – can I get a ticket from you right now?” Me: “Sorry, I’m not sure what singles event you’re talking about, can you give me a bit more detail and maybe I can help?” Her: “I don’t know, it was an event that was sent around and your name and number was on it”

So I’m thinking to myself that perhaps a mistake has been made in a promo email (I don’t host singles events) but as I continued to ask a few more questions so I could re-direct her, I could sense a level of what felt like panic coming from her. It reminded me of a talk I went to a number of years ago put on by the JM Kearns, who is the author of “Why Mr. Right Can’t Find You”. He was telling the audience that his office was flooded with calls after his event had sold out with women saying things like, “you don’t understand, I haaaaave to be there!”. There were several times where his staff reported feeling totally harassed. Yikes.

You see, sometimes women see an opportunity to meet a man, whether it be at a talk, a speed dating event, a large-scale singles event or even a friend’s house and they immediately frame it as “the very last chance I will ever have in my entire life to meet a man and if I don’t go, I will be single forever”.

Sound familiar? It could be something you’ve thought to yourself or you may have immediately thought of someone in your life who has been known to think this way.

When a woman gets in this headspace, it can almost be scary. She is not only hunting, she is hunting with an idea there is scarcity. She believes there is a very limited amount of men out there so she needs to narrow in and catch him quickly. I’ve even heard this mentality is often found in senior’s homes too where women are almost competing for men’s attention because they believe there are no opportunities to meet men outside of the home’s dining area.

Really? Sigh.

So do you want to know the best dating advice you will ever receive?

Stop panicking. Stop hunting. Stop competing with other women. Stop living life in fear. Stop believing in scarcity. And just…..breathe.

As the phone conversation continued with the woman this morning, she became more insistent on me telling her how she was going to get tickets. Without having the promo in front of either of us, I started to suggest some people in the industry she could call but in her eyes, that was not going to get her her man so, in a flux, she quickly got off the phone. I do hope she found some tickets but the unfortunate thing is I can absolutely guarantee she will bring that same energy to the event and she won’t be successful in meeting her match

I didn’t get a chance to share with her what I am sharing with you. My advice comes from countless focus groups I have held with men since 2002 and they have all told me the same thing: “these hunting women are SCARY!”

So when I pose the question of what would be the best dating advice for women from men? Men say, “just relax, be yourself, enjoy the conversation and don’t try to lead it anywhere. Soften up and stop hunting”

As I mentioned, if you are aware of this leaning coming up in yourself or someone you know, just take a deep breath in and breathe out slowly. If you want to gain success at dating, catch yourself in the moment, remind yourself there is no such thing as scarcity and refuse to believe in a fear-based reality. Then breathe again and breathe out slowly. There is an abundance of good people out there for you to meet, there always have been and there always will be. Believe this, it’s the best dating advice you’ll ever receive.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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The Call For More Kindness In Relationships

This week I have been inspired by a few stories I’ve read about Random Acts of Kindness and even though the stories weren’t directly speaking of romantic relationships, it had me revisit how much we're in need of more kindness in relationships - especially romantic relationships. One was a photo of a friend receiving a surprise to-go cup of tea on her front porch because she was feeling under the weather. Her close friend dropped it off.

The other was a story out of Naples, Italy about “suspended coffees”. I think it’s a beautiful movement.

"We enter a little coffeehouse with a friend of mine and give our order. While we’re approaching our table two people come in and they go to the counter: ‘Five coffees, please. Two of them for us and three suspended’ They pay for their order, take the two and leave.

I ask my friend: “What are those ‘suspended’ coffees?” My friend: “Wait for it and you will see.” ... Some more people enter. Two girls ask for one coffee each, pay and go. The next order was for seven coffees and it was made by three lawyers - three for them and four ‘suspended’. While I still wonder what’s the deal with those ‘suspended’ coffees I enjoy the sunny weather and the beautiful view towards the square in front of the café. Suddenly a man dressed in shabby clothes who looks like a beggar comes in through the door and kindly asks ‘Do you have a suspended coffee ?’

It’s simple - people pay in advance for a coffee meant for someone who cannot afford a warm beverage. The tradition with the suspended coffees started in Naples, but it has spread all over the world and in some places you can order not only a suspended coffee, but also a sandwich or a whole meal.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have such cafés or even grocery stores in every town where the less fortunate will find hope and support ? If you own a business why don’t you offer it to your clients… I am sure many of them will like it." CLICK HERE TO READ THIS BEAUTIFUL STORY

Kindness in romantic relationships can be something we ironically overlook , especially when we are in ‘take mode’.  When we are upset or stressed, kindness is one of the last things we want to express. Why? Well some people believe expressing kindness can be mistaken for weakness. That’s why I say it’s ironic because somewhere along the lines of communication, the wires have been crossed and we believe we can get kindness without giving kindness.  That if we withhold kindness and consideration, somehow our partner will treat us with more kindness.

Since this doesn’t make sense, my advice is to ‘grease the kindness wheel’ in your relationship. Get it moving in more of a flow. First talk about the reasons you may be upset or stressed out and then each of you commit to showing more acts of kindness as a healthy maintenance on your relationship: Do a favor, send a loving text, drop off a surprise tea and see how things can change – even if it’s just a little bit.

Kindness is powerful. If it can make such a difference in a man who can’t afford a coffee, imagine the feel-good connection it can create between you and your partner?

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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When you’ve hit a rough spot, does it always mean it’s over?

When it comes to hitting a rough spot, I’m sure we’ve all seen the photo of the older couple saying:

“We were born in a time when if something was broken, we would fix it, not throw it away.”

And yes, it is inspiring however we tend to immediately wonder, “what are the different categories of broken?”.  How do I know if it’s broken-broken, or just needs to be tuned up? How do I know if it's more than just a rough spot?

I’ve learned a lot lately by observing couples who have been married for over 20 or 30 years. One couple commented, “sometimes you don’t just have bad days in marriage, you have bad years”. What?!

Another couple I know were living in the same house, sharing activities like meal times, family visits, country drives, etc  but were distant for many months, barely speaking because one of them had their feelings hurt. I was convinced the two of them were headed for the end but, they both came around, mended fences on their own and are in a romance-filled relationship again. They had been through this cycle before and it was almost like they were comfortable with it showing up again – fully knowing that given time, they would be back to normal.

There’s a saying I’ve heard therapists say: “The problem is not the problem” and I think it can, in a lot of cases, relate to relationships. Often times, we can get almost obsessive in analyzing our relationships that we forget to shift our focus to activities we love to do on our own. When a man or woman is feeling like something is a problem in their life and they can’t put a finger on it, the first scapegoat is to assume it is the relationship. It’s an easy target. Sometimes the reason things have gone wonky in your relationship is simply because you stopped going to your yoga classes or your guy has stopped checking in with his buddies on the weekends to play a game of soccer.

My advice is to start with the big picture to help in taking the magnifying glass off of your relationship. First, see what is missing in your life in general. Take some time to see if filling those needs over the next few weeks make a difference. Do some journaling on all the things that are bringing you frustration. Second, and once you feel a bit more life-balance, approach your partner with the lingering topics. If you don’t seem to be getting anywhere, it may be time to bring in a professional who can mediate and help point out gaps in your communication.

From there, it will be up to you to gauge whether it is broken or you are just in a normal part of the relationship cycle and need to be a bit more attentive to the tune ups. Everyone is going to be different but perhaps by following these steps, more clarity will shine through.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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We've Had 4 Dates And I Don't Feel Connected

Recently I was working with a male client who said to me: Him: I’ve been out on 4 dates with this girl and I don’t feel connected to her yet

Me: What do you mean?

Him: Well it just doesn’t feel like it did with my ex

Me: What did it feel like with your ex?

Him: Well it was super instant chemistry and we slept together on the second date. We were finishing each other’s sentences in the first week.

Me: And then what happened?

Him: Well we started fighting and then things got weird and then I was jealous and then she was bitchy, but we still sometimes had fun together.

Me: So you connected, got close really fast and then figured out you weren’t all that compatible?

Him: I guess so, kind of.

Me: So what you are experiencing with this new girl is a NEW kind of connecting. It’s never going to be exactly the same as you’ve experienced before but that does not mean it cannot lead to something great. The last girl you dated, things didn’t work out so you want to be extra open to things starting off differently. You may have not experienced this type of ‘slower connection’ before. Let me ask you this, “do you enjoy being with her, as in, when you sit next to her in the coffee shop or walk alongside her on the street, are you glad you are there?”

Him: Yes, and I also find myself thinking about her when she’s not there.

Me: This is good. Now all I want you to do moving forward, is just relax, be yourself and enjoy each other’s company. Essentially this is exactly what you want your potential relationship to be like years from now, “being relaxed, being yourself and enjoying each other’s company”. And at the end of your next date, ask yourself if you are looking forward to seeing her again or if you are curious to know more about her. That curiosity and comfort is really all you need for the beginning stages of a strong, healthy relationship.

Him: (a mixture of thank you’s and “will try this new approach”)

I often see this desire to have things start in the exact same way as the last relationship regardless of the outcome of the last relationship. People will say to me:

“The last guy I dated was for 6 months and the first night we met, we talked for like 4 hours straight.”

Or

“When I met my ex-girlfriend, she completely swept me off my feet in the first few minutes.”

We keep looking to repeat a “first meeting or first few dates scenario” that we already enjoyed or at the very least, are familiar with. And if this experience with a new person falls short of it, we somehow want to dismiss it and move on.

The problem is, when I study long-term successful relationships, there is not a direct correlation between how the first few dates were and how successful the relationship is. Some people had mixed first impressions, some people thought they had met a new ‘friend’, others were swept off their feet. All of these started differently but all of them continued into a long-term successful relationship.

So what I ask is that just because the guy or girl you are dating doesn’t feel exactly like the last girl or guy you were dating, don’t dismiss, be open. Give yourself and them time to open up in a new and possibly unexpected way. Of course, I have to say, this only applies if you are already, “being relaxed, being yourself and enjoying each others company”. Try it.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

Want to Become a Certified Dating Coach and Help Others Find Love?
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When Is It Appropriate to Fart in Front of Your Partner?

I recently saw a video on YouTube that had me laughing, then giggling for hours afterwards. You guessed it, it's all about knowing when it's OK to fart in front of your partner. Feel free to watch it here:

When I took a breath from giggling like an 8 year old, I got thinking about how often we go out of our way to hide our farts from our dates or our partners.  How many stomach aches and “I need to get home now” fibs we tell to cover up the fact we actually just need to, as a friend of mine says, “go outside and dust the crops”.

So I’ve decided to go there. Yes, this blog is about farting in relationships (haha, I just giggled again).

Ahem.

So when do we break the barrier?

When is it completely okay to fart in front of the person you are dating?

It can cause massive embarrassment when you’re first starting to get to know someone and one of the following happens:

-        You fart when you use their bathroom which is unfortunately really, really quiet and very, very close to the other room where he or she is sitting.

-        You’re walking down the street with them, perhaps even holding hands, and you decide to just let a quick, hopefully silent one go, and well, it’s NOT.

-        You let one go while they are in the other room hoping it will go away by the time they return but, oh no, they’re back and your fart is still around

I think we can call this “accidentally breaking the barrier”. This accident can actually aid when the future barrier is broken, formally.

Everyone’s body and digestive systems are different so I don’t want to get into how to prevent gas (although there are some wonderful contributors in this magazine that can speak to that), but if you find yourself on a date and you’re feeling gassy, you have some options:

-        Spend a little extra time in the public bathroom and do some yoga moves in the stall. This is entirely possible – just check out YouTube for ‘wind removing poses’ and do them standing up. Just bending over and touching your toes for 30 seconds works too.

-        If possible, ‘go and get something from your car’ if you’re at their place.

-        If you’re really stuck, a friend of mine said: “I went into my bathroom, folded up a towel, put it on the edge of the tub and farted into it.” Sounds like it lessens the acoustics.

When it comes to ‘breaking the barrier’ in your more developed relationship, you could take the approach found in the YouTube link I shared, OR, you could just seriously laugh about it all. Give each other a bit of slack, create some mini-rules like ‘anything you do while you sleep doesn’t count’ and ‘you won’t let it rip when it’s inappropriate’ (like at the dinner table or during a serious/emotional conversation). Communicate about it – and create some humor around it. By all means, don’t put yourself through stomach torture and be one of those couples that is together for 10 years and has never farted in front of each other. Yes, I do know a couple that claims this but can you imagine how many unnecessary points of stress they endured because of it?

Farts seriously are funny. In fact a friend of mine once said to me, “farts and monkeys: whatever age you are, they will always be funny”.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Should I Tell My Current Partner When I Run Into An Ex?

Recently, I was having a conversation on the topic of "what happens when you run into an ex" – mainly a discussion around what the potential guidelines are. It’s confusing and filled with grey area but I’m going to suggest some navigational tools for you. The easiest way is to first take a typical relationship and divide it into stages.

In Stage 1, the ‘Get to Know You’ stage, you don’t want to mention if you ran into an ex.  And for the most part, the topic of your ex should seldom come up. It can cloud a blossoming relationship by needlessly dragging up drama that possibly existed in the past but doesn’t have a place in the future, UNLESS YOU PUT IT THERE. A new relationship is an opportunity for a fresh start, not an opportunity for you to air out grievances about your ex.  Even if you and your ex get along great, the topic of running into them still doesn’t have a place in Stage 1.

In Stage 2, where you’ve committed to each other exclusively, and are now officially in a ‘relationship’, trust and transparency are key ingredients.  This applies to all areas of your relationship; most importantly where feelings are involved.  Trust is built situation by situation. So let’s speak of a specific situation:  You are out with your friends celebrating a birthday and while ordering a drink, you spot your ex across the bar. The two of you had an amicable split but nonetheless, it’s been awhile since you were in the same room. You have a nice chat and catch up, don’t make any plans to chat again and go your separate ways. Fast forward to the next morning when you are having breakfast with your partner – do you bring it up? YES. You bring it up plain and simple, as though you were bringing up that you ran into one of their work colleagues. The reason I advise this is that, in this day and age, with FB and Instagram photos being posted everywhere and everyone sharing each other’s business freely, you don’t want to have that tagged photo of you talking to your ex showing up in your partner’s news feed. Now I know what you are thinking, “But Christine, no one was taking pictures”. That is not the point. The point is relationships are built on openness so if you are open about running into an ex, your partner is more likely to believe you are open about everything else. When you increase transparency, you are investing in the relationship, allowing trust to grow.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How To Be Alone

I recently had a female client say to me, “Oh, I’d never do that alone!” It was her response after I suggested to a group of women that one of the many ways to meet men was to set up a time to meet a friend at a restaurant…and then arrive 30 minutes early. Especially if you are both single and looking, once your friend arrives, you have already settled in at the bar, been in contact with the bartender and likely started a conversation with the person seated next to you.

It had me consider though how many of us simply aren’t comfortable doing things alone. Why is that?

One of my fave authors is called SARK and she writes fun books about being authentically you and celebrating yourself every single day. Something I am a big fan of. She calls women who are afraid to go out to public places alone, “Captive Women”. (not including places like public transit, grocery stores, Laundromats, etc where we often do actually go alone)

SARK: Captive Women never do ‘social’ activities without a man or a group of women. If questioned about going out alone, they make a squeamish face and say, “I couldn’t go out alone. It wouldn’t be any fun.” Even women who are not like this are shy about going out alone. There is still a social stigma about being out “alone” (translation: boring, desperate, nobody likes her). Going out alone is a skill and an art that can be learned, shared, and implemented. 

There are things you can have with you to assist in being alone confidently. I suggest a good book, a magazine, a sketchbook, some knitting needles, your journal. Whatever you like! Notice how I’ve very specifically NOT suggested your smartphone. I believe it needs to be an activity that is one-way communication or has the ability to create an experience while being alone in public. If you are on your smartphone the whole time, I don’t think it really counts as being alone.

Here’s a cute video on the power (and fun) of being alone:

The thing we worry about when doing ‘social’ activities alone is what others will think. Don’t worry about that and even if you are out alone and you don’t feel confident about it, just act “as if” you are! Continue on to learn how to be alone.

SARK: If you learn and practice an attitude of confidence and take your own tools, you will begin to feel more free in the world, to go anywhere by yourself and create your own magic. If you already know how to do this, please help other women learn it! Practice saying this: I am welcome everywhere. A place is lucky to have me visit.

I believe going out alone can create new opportunities to get into conversations with people you might not if you were out with friends. Start simple and then build from there. Sometimes you will meet people and other times you will enjoy some quiet, reflective or creative time while in a public place. I have met some of the most interesting people when I was out alone – whether in my neighborhood or while traveling on the other side of the planet – it’s an adventure!

Don’t deny someone the pleasure of meeting you. :) 

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Your girlfriend doesn’t like your friends-who-are-girls

I recently watched a dating show on TV where the guy was trying to balance the needs of his best friend (a female) and his girlfriend. The girls didn’t like each other so, as you can guess, this just made things worse. He was being forced to decide between the two. Awkward…but  necessary. What do you do if your girlfriend doesn't like your friends? This is a common situation. A girl falls for a guy but not his friend(s) who are girls. I want to share some thoughts on how you can balance things when your girlfriend is not a fan of one of your friends.

First, have an open conversation involving a lot of listening on both parts. Ask questions like, “tell me specifically what it is that you don’t like about my friendship with X”. Kindly insist that the answer needs to go a lot deeper than, “I just don’t like X”. We are essentially looking for any sort of opportunity for you, as the person in the middle, to mend the fence – especially if it was perhaps a misunderstanding.

Second, take time for yourself to review what it is this particular friendship offers you. Is it healthy? Does your friend respect your girlfriend? Do you see yourself being friends with this person for a long time? What is it that she provides that your girlfriend doesn’t? You need to conclude if this friendship is valuable to you.

Third, talk with your girlfriend about how you want to respect both her needs and your own and that you’d like to find a way to meet in the middle. This is about an agreement, not a compromise where one person feels like they are giving in. Maybe all your girlfriend actually needs is for you to share with her like you share with your friend. This could be a wonderful opportunity to draw you even closer.

Usually the basis for a girl not liking her guy’s friend(s) is a lack of trust so understand this is the deeper issue going on. Either she doesn’t trust your friend or she doesn’t trust you. Either one definitely needs to be addressed for your relationship to realistically continue.

Also, respect that you are now in a relationship. What goes along with being in a healthy relationship is ‘shifting who you share with’. It means you do your best to now come to your girlfriend with stuff that’s on your mind, rather than confiding in your friends-who-are-girls. You wouldn’t want your girlfriend to be sharing on a deeper level with a male friend, right?

And, quite honestly, if the two girls don’t get along and there’s no hope of amends, you are just going to have to make a decision. Sneaking around is not an option and trying to keep both sides happy even though they are not a fan of each other will be exhausting and lame.

So start with an open conversation, apply my tips and good luck to you.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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How you feel around him is more important than shared interests

Me: “You’re dating a new guy for about a month, right? Tell me, what do you like about him?”

Female Client: “Well, we both like running, he lives downtown, his parent’s have a cottage up North, he has a Bachelor’s Degree from the same University and we both have dogs”

Me:  “Okay, we’ll keep those interests in mind. So how do you feel about yourself when you are around him?”

Female Client: “I find that I’m definitely spending a lot more time worried about my weight and what I look like. He’s super fit and goes running like every morning.  He’s also really flirtatious so it makes me feel kinda self-conscious.”

Me: “When do you feel good, smart and completely yourself around him?”

Female Client: “Um, I don’t think I ever feel that way”

I witness a lot of singles getting really caught up in all the interests they have in common with the person they are dating, almost completely missing the importance of shared values.

“We’re both from the same town and our parent’s know each other”

“We’re in the same industry so we get each other”

Honestly, I’ve seen people get married just because they’re both from the same town! And they hold onto the belief it should work based on that one fact.

In many cases, shared values or how you “feel about yourself” around the other person seem to be a very distant second when it comes to requirements in a partner.

Many people have the basic values in common such as family, friends, religion, etc. but what I’m speaking of are the deeper values. These can be discovered by asking yourself these questions:

Does the person I’m dating inspire me?

Would I want more of this person and their traits in my children? (this is a biggie)

Are there traits that he/she has that I wish I had in myself?

These are very powerful questions and when answered honestly, are far better predictors of long-term happiness than “we both like to play sports”.

By all means, continue to find out what sorts of shared interests you have in common with the person you’re dating but pay much closer attention to shared values and how you FEEL about yourself around them.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Give The Gift Of (Sex Toy) Love

Wondering what to give your sweetie for Valentine’s Day? I’ve got some ideas for you.

Companies that provide sex toys are getting more and more focused on convenience and variety when marketing their products.

One such company is, www.spicysubscriptions.com. Through a subscription-based service, you receive monthly romantic surprises delivered right to your door. They include an assortment of Intimate Toys, Massage Oils, Sexy Lingerie, Romantic Fragrances and more! Shipping is Free and Discreet.

The ladies at Spicy Subscriptions recently sent me a sample box and it was so fun to get this very discreet package in the mail. Is this how boys have been receiving their nudey magazines all these years?! J

Upon opening the black, glossy box, I found pink tissue paper and a personalized note to me describing what I would find inside.

The fun begins with some Kissable Body Drizzle that smells just like you’ve walked into a cupcake bakery, yum. And then there was a Warming Body Massager which I think is a really cool idea – you heat it up in the microwave and voila, it glides smoothly over your whole body for a heated up massage. They promised me there would be a surprise from the 50 Shades book and it was the Ben Wa Balls you may have been hearing about. For a full description on these, you can visit their very helpful blog. The other things you’ll find in this particular box are various lubes, massage oils and even a “position of the month” card!

I think this is a fun way to keep things spicy and be surprised every single month with a new gift box!

Another company I recently heard about is focused on delivering specific items to your door within 1 hour. Think of dial-a-bottle but for sex toys. You can go online at any hour of the day and order your sex toys to be discreetly delivered: www.hotme.ca. Some of their busiest delivery times are Saturday afternoons once the kids have gone over to their friend’s place. Interesting!

So whether you’d like a fun, hand-picked, tissue wrapped gift delivered to your door once a month or it’s Saturday afternoon and you’d like to try a new gadget…now, there’s something for everyone.

And if you and your partner are just warming up to the idea of sex toys, I encourage you to read a recent blog post of mine.  Lots of good tips in there!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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No, You Are Not A Loser For Being Single On New Year's Eve

Recently, I had a discussion about being single on New Year's Eve and I was surprised at how hard people were on themselves. These are some of the key questions that came up. So why do people think it's so important to not be single on New Year’s Eve? Why does it seem like a really a big deal?

Christine: It’s a bigger deal in our head than it is in reality. We somehow think we are going to be the only single person on the planet at midnight. We picture ourselves standing alone among a room full of blissfully happy couples. It doesn't represent reality though - there are tons of singles out there on NYE.

Do you think it's a bigger deal for men or women?

Christine: Yes, from the conversations I've had with men over the years, they really don't put a lot of weight into whether or not they are single on NYE.

Is it cool to do a regular date on New Year’s instead? If so, can you recommend a few ideas?

Christine: Sure, having a regular date on New Year’s is a great idea. You can easily avoid event and taxi fees by staying at home. Cook a really nice, decadent meal. Turn your living room into your bedroom by moving your mattress. Watch movies. Be cozy.

How can anyone feeling bummed feel better about themselves?

Christine: New Year's Eve is about new beginnings and clearing the slate. Spend time thinking about all the good things that happened this year and all the good things you are going to create next year. Get together with single friends, even if it's just one! Don't put yourself in an environment you actually don't want to be in. It's something I see all the time - if you don't want to go to that big, loud NYE party, than don't. There are plenty of yoga or meditation events happening on NYE too.

Do you recommend those "single parties" or should we all be together?

Christine: Ask yourself what YOU want to do, regardless of being single or not. If you’re in the mood for a big single’s party, than go! If you want to meet up with friends, do that. If you want a quiet night in, then that is exactly what you should do.

What one piece of advice would you give to single people on New Years to have fun when surrounded by kissy couples?

Christine: Position yourself wisely. At least be standing next to someone you can hug or kiss on the cheek. If it's 11:55pm and you are surrounded by couples, excuse yourself and find a new group, even if it's temporarily. Keep it light, keep it fun, suggest group hugging at midnight. You always have the option to slip to the washroom and emerge again at 12:05 but really, there is always someone to at least smooch on the cheek.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Is Speed Dating A Good Option?

Lately, lots of clients have been asking me if speed-dating is still something they should check out. My answer is, YES! Some of you know that years ago I owned a speed-dating service in Calgary (now under different ownership) and there were over 65 marriages as a result of my events. 65!! And that is not including all the people who didn’t let me know they got married or are in successful long-term relationships. When building a repertoire of HOW you are going to meet your match, definitely include some trips out to speed-dating events.

Here are some basics on speed-dating to get you started:

Choosing a speed dating service is like choosing any type of service. You want to explore a minimum of three different companies in your area, much like getting three quotes from different painters before making your selection.

Things to consider when selecting a speed-dating company:

• How long have they been in business?
• Where do they host their events? (Bars, cafes or restaurants?)
• Do they have any testimonials or success stories?
• Do they have specific age categories?
• Are they easy to contact and do they provide information in a timely, friendly way?

Start digging by first going to your online phone directory and seeing who is listed under “Dating”. Make a list with phone numbers, websites and general impressions from the ad. Next, do a broad Internet search. Type in key words like “speed dating,” or “singles events”, along with the name of your city. Make a note of all that comes up. Be careful, many companies have tricky advertising and don’t truly have events in your area. Pick your top three, make a note of their web addresses. Later, go back to the three sites you chose and look for some of the attributes listed above. Finally, I suggest calling the speed-dating service and speaking with the owner if you have super specific questions.

Speed-dating is not the only thing you can do to meet your match but it shouldn’t be dismissed until you’ve tried 3 events with preferably 3 different companies.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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You Are Such A Flirt!

  I love the topic of Flirting. Generally people have a strong reaction to it. They either say:

“I’m a great flirt” or

“I’m terrible at flirting – I totally don’t know what I’m doing”

Generally it’s the latter so I thought I would share some simple “party flirt tips” for the upcoming season.

When flirting, learn to walk the fine line and remember that being slightly elusive is exceptionally attractive. Men really need to feel safe, but they definitely want to know that they are chasing something rare and valuable. I recommend that women should end the conversation first but not before a direct look into his eyes and perhaps a very sincere compliment. This leaves him wanting more. You can either end the conversation or excuse yourself for a bit. Like, “I’m just going to the ladies room. Are you going to be staying at this party for awhile?” This will give you a chance to digest the conversation, refresh, check in with your friends and then re-engage with him later. This also gives him an opportunity, if he has to leave, to come up and ask for your phone number. Smart, huh?! You can thank me later. J

Many women ask me if it’s okay for a woman to approach a man. I’m certainly more of a traditionalist, however, I do believe there is a nice little window us ladies can work with – it’s called, ‘make it easier for him to approach you’. Monica Moore conducted a University study to see exactly what women were doing who were successful in approaching men. She observed more than 200 women at a party and recorded these “nonverbal solicitation signals”. The top moves that make a man come over and talk to you at a party are – some of them will make you laugh out loud (but it’s what Moore observed!):

Smile at him broadly

Throw him a short, darting glance

Look straight at him and flip your hair

Keep a fixed gaze on him

Look at him, toss your head, then look back

“Accidentally” brush up against him

Nod your head at him

Point to a chair and invite him to sit

Tilt your head and touch your exposed neck

Lick your lips during eye contact

Primp while keeping eye contact with him

Parade close to him with exaggerated hip movement

Ask for his help with something

And the final one that she observed but didn’t advise was “pat his buttocks”

So really, don’t hesitate to make the first “move” even if it is really, really subtle (not the buttocks one!). If you are feeling shy or feel you might be too forward, don’t worry about it because Moore’s study went on to discover that the male ego takes over in these situations. Ten minutes later he won’t even realize that he was not the one who made the initial move. She found that men think they are making the first move even though they are actually responding to a woman’s nonverbal cues. She cites an incident where a woman smiled at a man a total of four times in a restaurant and he eventually came over and approached her after he had visited the washroom. When she asked him about an hour later, he was convinced HE was the one who made the first move.

Happy Flirting!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Are People In Your Life Always Misbehaving?

There is this assumption that men, teenagers, parents, etc. know the right thing to do and are purposely being difficult. Stop and pause on that.

Now think about this concept:

“What if no one is misbehaving?” You can ask yourself again, “what if no one is misbehaving?”

What if people always have a good reason for everything they do if we only just stopped to ask what it was, rather than always assuming they are doing something to hurt or disrespect us?

This way of thinking can lead to a lot less frustration and a lot more power.

Consider my friend Marnie. She invited her boyfriend over for lunch one day and she put a lot of effort into the details to make sure everything tasted great. He arrived a bit early and almost immediately turned his laptop on and began working from her dining room table. She was in the kitchen doing final preparations, getting increasingly upset because she felt totally disrespected. She burst out saying, “I invited you over for a nice lunch and you are just going to work on your computer the whole time!?” He looked up, kind of dazed, and said, “Oh……..honey, I wanted to get these emails out before we ate so we could have lunch without any interruptions.”

Upon reflection, she realized that her boyfriend was not misbehaving, his reason for going straight to his laptop was that he wanted to finish a project so that he could be fully present with Marnie during mealtime. She found this out by asking a question, rather than internalizing it and assuming he’s disrespecting her.

Consider that other people in your life are not mind-readers. It’s amazing how often we hope and think they are. Consider that people in your life are perfectly well-intended and are doing the best they can. If they are failing, it is only because they are not sure what is needed. In Marnie’s case, she wanted attention before and during lunch but her boyfriend had no idea she wanted this. A simple misunderstanding that was easily worked through.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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Dating Myths - Part 2

As promised, here are some more dating myths that I have found still seem to be circulating out there. Are you believing any of them?

1) Myth: Men like women who show some skin.

Fact: A recent study published in the Journal of Behaviour found that showing more than 40 percent of your skin is actually a turn-off for men. In fact, a tight top and miniskirt crosses the line from seductive to 'just too much'. Sure, you will get a ton of attention but not the kind that transforms instantly into a healthy relationship. Attention and attraction are two entirely different things - I have a lot more I can say on that topic but let's move on.

2) Myth: Online profiles shouldn’t be trusted since most men are lying or cheating.

Fact: I’ll bet once you’ve joined one of the online dating sites, you’ll be surprised to discover a number of great men who are genuinely looking for a healthy romance. You just need to be okay with trusting your instincts and doing the required research. You might find yourself being suspicious, wondering what some of these great guys are doing online. The reality of it is that you are a great woman and you are there too! In my book, A Step-by-Step Guide to Online Dating, I discuss how people’s lives have become busy and they are no longer finding as much time to encounter the right person naturally. Online dating sites allow you to “see” people. If you are suspicious that the profile is not a fair representation of who the person really is, then ask for his last name and start Googling! Check out LinkedIn, Facebook and a general web search. Keep in mind, these types of searches are only a good idea if something about him makes you a bit suspicious - otherwise, leave the research stage out and get to know him in person. Instinct will never let you down, so always be okay with trusting yours. If you ever want to test this theory, try and remember a time in your life when your instincts were wrong. It’s difficult to, right?

3) Myth: There are no good, single men. They are all either gay or married. 

Fact: Great single men are EVERYWHERE! We often only expect to meet men in one specific location, but consider all types of places and scenarios. Take the blinders off and start recognizing the men who are around you all the time. They’re at the coffee shop, the grocery store, the airport, the gas station, the gym – they’re everywhere, and you just have to notice them. Really, it can just start with noticing men you find attractive first and then you stop operating from a deficit. It builds from there. Again, much more I could say on this.

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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High Divorce Rates & Finding the Masculine/Feminine Balance

SUMMARY OF THE PROBLEM: With high divorce rates along with so many people we know openly admitting that the relationships they are in are either dysfunctional, abusive, unsupportive, manipulative, draining, or too demanding, we are in a relationship crisis unlike any other time in recorded history.  In fact, many young people, after looking at the failed marriages all around them, are opting to either put off marriage until they are in their late 30's or not to marry at all.

Dr. Ruthie Grant recently asked six critical thinking classes of approximately 300 students if they were in a functional, satisfying relationship with the opposite sex.  Not a single person raised a hand.  The prior semester, out of six similar classes, when she asked that same question,one lady out of all six classes raised her hand and this was her second marriage.  

Grant goes on to say, "it appears we are at a crossroad in human relationships. Men complain that too many women have become masculine, too independent and too distrustful of men, while women complain that too many men have become afraid of women; refuse or fail to give women the support they need; or have taken on feminine traits such as expecting the woman to take care of them financially; to pay when they go out on dates; to pursue the male; or to initiate within the relationship."

Answers may lie in looking at the out of control masculine principle in society today. Both sexes are often fighting for the masculine role! 

AND ADD THIS IN..

For the first time in human existence, women have now achieved equal power, respect and rights. They have the opportunity to hunt and gather, be the breadwinner and homemaker, provide and nurture. They are completely independent. And although they don’t need to have a relationship with a man for the reasons they used to, most women still want to have a relationship with a man.

Most men want to feel like a man by having the opportunity to provide for his woman, protect her, care for her, cherish her and love her. In a modern woman’s life, it is hard for a man to feel that sense of being needed.

Grant shares, "Nature always seeks to balance itself out.  With that in mind, a man whose masculine energy is too feminine, cannot hold on to a female whose feminine side is in balance; she will be naturally drawn to her polar opposite, a more masculine male.   By the same token, a male whose masculine energy is balanced, will be naturally repelled by a female whose masculine energy is dominating her femininity. "

So how do we find BALANCE?

Welcome in "THE AGE OF PARTNERSHIP"

For a healthy relationship to flourish, both masculine and feminine energies need to be present to balance things out.

Sure, there are relationships that can survive with only one energy present, however, they are often intense and short. It is often too mentally and emotionally exhausting.

It doesn’t matter which gender plays which role, because people and relationships are diverse, as long as both roles are present in a relationship at the same time. 

Solution: Fluidly go between masculine and feminine

a) These roles are not restricted to the gender itself, as not all men fulfill masculine roles and not all women fulfill feminine roles. Besides that, these roles are also not restricted by time or responsibilities. Just because you’re deemed as the ‘masculine’ one, it doesn’t mean you have to be masculine or that you have to do masculine tasks all the time.

b) Gender roles are meant to be fluid in a relationship. They should be able to evolve throughout the relationship and they may switch between both parties at any given time.

c) The key here is tolerance and a mutual desire to sustain and work for the relationship.

Recognize that the ROOT of suffering occurs when one person in the relationship is not getting his/her needs met.

A willingness to come out of denial and work together within an authentic, honest and accepting relationship is required to make relationships work, combined with an unwillingness to settle for anything less.

I've realized there is a lot more I can share on this topic so keep your eyes open for future posts!

To your authenticity,

Love, Christine

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