You look at your watch, it’s 4:00pm. In what seems to be hours later, you look at your watch again, it’s 4:05pm. Your belly is nervous, you can’t focus at work and all you can think about is “what if he’s the One?”, “what if this is the night my life changes forever?”, “will he think I look good in this top?”, and many other thoughts that circulate faster and faster in your brain as the clock ticks. What’s the reason for all this nervous flutter? Well, tonight you’re going on a first date and you have a deep desire to impress him. In your efforts to prepare, you run through all the other times in your recent history where you have wanted to impress someone and you start compiling all the instances where things seemed to go well. You think of the time you ran into an old friend from High School on the street and needed to summarize all you’ve been up to for the last 20 years in a quick 10 minute conversation. Then your mind drifts over to that job interview you had where they asked you to summarize your top qualities in one or two sentences.
These seem like good things to think about, right?
This is a mistake women often make on the first date which prevents them from experiencing success at dating. They completely let go of mystery and flirtation and opt for getting straight to the point by detailing their history of accomplishments. There’s a term for this and it’s called, “front-loading”. It happens when a woman takes her work life into her dating life and treats the date like an interview or a sales meeting. We go about it honestly, thinking this is how we get results in our business life, why not our personal life?
Men do sincerely want to know all about your accomplishments, just not ALL of them on the FIRST date.
So how can you reveal your fabulous self without front-loading? As a dating coach, I’m going to suggest you take it slow. Reveal things about yourself as they come up in conversation. When you find yourself slipping into job interview mode, switch the conversation back to him by asking a question. And when you do reveal things about yourself, there is no need on the first date to go into great detail. You can gloss over some aspects of your life and then easily re-visit them on the second date. Think of the first date as an enticement to the second date (assuming you would like a second date).
Here’s an example of how NOT to answer this question:
Him: So tell me about yourself – what’s your background and what do you like to do for fun?
You: Well, back in 1995 I graduated from Dalhousie University with a major in Commerce and a minor in Marketing. I then moved to Ottawa and took a job at a bank where I worked my way up the ranks until I was managing my department. I run every day and have participated in 6 marathons and 13 half-marathons all over the world. I speak 3 languages and am working on a 4th. I was married and am now divorced with no children.
Here’s an example of how TO answer this question:
Him: So tell me about yourself – what’s your background and what do you like to do for fun?
You: There are lots of things I enjoy in life. I love being by the water which is probably why I chose to go to university out on the east coast. I’d often go for a run on the weekends along this beautiful path by my apartment. I’m curious about languages and I’m currently working on learning Italian. I love it and it’s fun to try and identify things on my desk at work in Italian. As far as my relationship history, I was married for 7 years when I lived in Ottawa and shortly after we split I moved to Toronto. I really like this city – especially the culinary scene you find in the downtown core.
See how you still revealed your fabulousness but without the corporate vibe? If the two of you are a good match, there will be plenty of time to share and enjoy the details about your accomplishments. My first date advice is to make it a starting point and focus more on enjoying each other’s company, not each other’s resumes.
To your authenticity,
Love, Christine